Military Terms of Service

Congratulations on your wise decision to join the Military! This institution guarantees to provide you with a plethora of valuable experiences and hard life lessons. By signing on the dotted line, you agree to the following terms and conditions:

  1. The Military may be held responsible for any/all physical or emotional injuries, illnesses, mental breakdowns, or abuse you will likely experience. However, we’re going to make you feel weak for claiming disability.
  2. Once you have joined, we will own your soul for a period not to exceed 4 years, unless coerced into re-enlistment.
  3. Unless provided with a legally binding document to prove otherwise, we reserved the right to (and likely will) deny any agreed upon bonuses, job training or other incentives promised prior to signing your contract.
  4. You may be held personally liable and responsible for literally millions of dollars’ worth of government assets/equipment, but you will under no circumstances be awarded enough trust to have a toaster in your bedroom.
  5. If you are female, your experiences will likely be disproportionately worse for no reason other than that you are female. Good luck.
  6. By joining our organization, you will be afforded the opportunity to develop depression, anxiety, PTSD, alcoholism, or any combination of these.
  7. Despite your passion/hard work, you will likely have idiots and arrogant bullies promoted ahead of you. Be prepared to work for a junior officer with the competency and professional acumen of a ham sandwich.
  8. By joining you are agreeing to forgo any and all right to privacy. Your room and all your possessions will be inspected for cleanliness and organization at random, and then summarily destroyed.
  9. The military may not be held responsible for your complete and probable lack of satisfaction or sense of personal fulfillment within your life.
  10. We reserve the right legally separate you or place you in confinement at any time, without notice, and for very minor infractions if repeated.
  11. You will be repeatedly “thanked for your service” by non-military people, but your service will mostly consist of sitting behind a desk and getting yelled at.

You are doing your country a great honor by sacrificing your mind, body and soul for our noble cause. By signing on the dotted line, you agree to the above-mentioned terms and conditions. Although you won’t be told or find out about most of these until it’s already too late, may God have mercy on your soul.

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